Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome
by EternalMistress
Summary: Meet Bella- a journalist who knows all about bad impressions. How can she not when she’s got a bad case of stiletto in mouth syndrome, and her best friends incredibly edible brother thinks she's just a whore? Or is there more to them than meets the eye?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey hey welcome to Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome, where I pull the strings and make the twilight characters do what I want. Please review, I need all the help I cant get, give me pointers please. Also I'm after a beta, give me a shout out if you think you could be that special someone in my life .**

**Disclaimer**: Sadly all characters are Stephanie Meyers. Had they been mine, I'd keep them in an aquarium, all for my amusement, and race them-like you would with sea monkeys.

**CHAPTER ONE- First Impressions? Pfft Who Needs Those?**

You know how they say first impressions are everything? How they can shape the way a certain someone percieves you, each and every time you encounter them? How a first impression is lasting, and will haunt you for the rest of eternity?

I'm praying to every god, goddess, faith and religion out there that this isn't so. Otherwise the ground might as well open up and swallow me whole, because there's no way I can avoid him. I guess I should explain from the very beginning.

Firstly, my name is Isabella. Bella for short. Daughter to Renee and Charlie, and I have a step father, Phil- of course he's married to Renee. I have boring brown hair, and brown eyes. I like to write. I also have this knack for saying the wrong things- constantly. I also live with Alice.

Alice and I are best friends. We've known each other for several years now. How we became so, I'm not sure since Alice and I were extreme opposites of eachother. Lil' Miss Ball of Energy meets Lil' Miss Plain and Extremely Boring. But we hit off, and that's the main thing, even if her older brother, Edward constantly gave me the evil eyeball. I told Alice about this, and even she was baffled, apparantly while he had never really had issues with any of her other friends, he seemed to have issues with me. Ah how sweet life was at the Cullens. Her parents we the sweetest things; They had adopted Alice when she was thirteen, but she fit in so well you'd think the other siblings were the ones adopted.

Anyway, we graduated from Forks High, and went to some college in Alaska, while Edward trundled off to Dartmouth. Of course we'd travel back to Forks to see our folks over summer, and that one spring when Emmett (Alice's oldest brother) finally married his long time girlfriend, Rosalie.

When we became college graduates we decided to spread our metaphorical wings out to New York. Our parents, as in Carlisle, Esme, Renee, Phil and Charlie all chipped in to buy us an apartment in the big apple. To say we were excited was an understatement. I'm not sure there were words for that christmas.

So now, we're here. We both work for a leading women's magazine; Alice as a fashion editor and I, as a sexual health, and body image writer. As well as our jobs at the magazine, Alice works as a personal shopper for wealthy clients, and I, under the psuedonym, Missy, write the sex advice column for the local rag that circulates around the city.

Back to this terrible first impression. Okay it wasn't exactly a first impression; I had met him, many times before. But it was the first time seeing him in what? Five years?

Alice and I had decided to throw one of those sex parties. Not the ones with screaming orgies, but the ones where you all look and try out different toys, lingerie and such. So the night came, and we had a dozen horny women sipping on sexually named cocktails, playing with various whips, chains and dildos. Of course our co-worker Jessica, in her loud obnoxious voice asks,

"Bella, how do you give a good blow job?"

My first impression was to snort long and loud. The girl was the office slut, sleeping with everyone, from the janitor to Mike, the delivery boy. And she was asking me? Hah! But of course, one too many screaming orgasms, had me walk up to the table confidently, picking up the plastic cock and run my tongue along it. The girls all hooted as I slid the damn thing into my mouth, smirking at the face Jessica made; she thought I would be too prude or be totally clueless. Proof blondes are dumb-I write the sexual health column, surely I'd have an idea how to give a damn good blow.

So there I was , sucking the life out of this plastic penis, encouraged by the cheering, when the room falls silent, and a rich velvety chuckle fills the room. With my face rapidly heating, I turn to face the owner of such a lovely laugh.

Tall, lean-but muscley. Green eyes and copper hair. The star of the many sexual fanatasies women have conjoured up after they layed eyes on him. Maybe even the men. I choke on the dick, which is still firmly lodged down my throat.

Of course, the first time in ages I decide to get drunk and humiliate myself, it'd be in front of his gorgeous self. In front of Alice's older brother.

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

I still cringe at the memory. And it was only yesterday.Turns out he took an earlier flight- several days earlier. Alice and I were't expecting him unitl Wednesday. He was staying in the spare bedroom of our apartment for several months as he launched his career in the Big Apple. Why he was staying with us, we don't know. But of course, we did the whole family thing, and let him. But it still had me confused, I'm pretty sure he still had issues with me, so I nailed it down to him being a cheapskate.

So now that your up to date with my life, leading up to me lounging on the couch, sipping two raw eggs as I fight off the worlds biggest hangover and the world's biggest shame in one sitting. I swirled the gooey mess around in my glass, a strange feeling of melancholy filling me. I heard heavy footsteps, and I glanced at the clock.

Eight thirty.

Much too early for a hungover Alice. I heard them pause at her door.

"Don't bother waking her Edward- it'd be easier to nail Jello to a tree." I called, gulping down the rest of the eggs, shuddering at the sensation.

"Ah Bella nice to seee you without a dick down your throat, how are you?" He smirked at me.

"Can it, you're in my apartment, and I'm hungover." I snapped at him. Storming off to the bathroom, I decided to drown myself in the hot water, hoping that would perhaps wash away my shame.

Well it didn't do that; it just reminded me that I had two deadlines to meet. Feeling frustration fill me, I threw on a pair of cotton shorts and a tee before I pulled out my Mac and settled on the couch, opposite a still smug Edward. Growling under my breath, I flipped it open, and began to finish the article I had started earlier in the week. My fingers hovered over the keys, trying to find the train of thought I had grasped two days ago. Dammit, not coming.

"ALICE!" I bellowed, stomping off to her room. "What was the point I was trying to make in my article for this month?"

"That sex is not the prescribed textbook, but the twilight in the relationship." Alice mumbled, sitting up slowly as she wiped the sleep from her eye.

"Eh? Care to elaborate Al?" Edward came into the room, carrying a large cup of cream, caffiene and sugar. He handed it to her and she took a huge sip.

"Well, it came to us as we mulled over Jessica's willingness to fuck anything with legs. You see, a lot of men see sex as a crucial part of a relationship, but it's really a luxury- that's where the analogy came in. In college, you get all kinds of textbooks you have to read, it's expected when you enroll. But Twilight; you read it because its extreme awesomeness and you want to, no one's forcing you. Remember Bella?"

"Ah yes, it's definitely coming back. I think I'll be able to finish in time for our weekly scrabble tournament."

"Scrabble?" Edward lifeted his eyebrow in question. I scowled.

"Yes scrabble Edward. We play over champagne, it keeps us eloquent."

"Eloquent, smeloquent. I bet it's just a ploy to get drunk."

"I'll have you know-"

"Fucking hell, SHUT THE HELL UP, im hungover." Alice whined, shoving us both out of the room.

"Jerk."

"Bitch." I turned my nose up childishly and stomped off to my room, scooping my laptop up on my way.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

I lay on my bed, unsure of what to do. There was still half an hour until the scheduled scrabble match. My dilema? I could go out there and socialize-but that would mean talking to Edward. I didn't really know when we got so hostile, nor why. I was always nice to him, well up until the last year of college, last night was the first time in ages we had seen eachother, let alone spoken.

A dim memory of him telling me it was better if we weren't friends popped into my head, I never worked out why. Sighing, I rolled over. My brain was hurting from all the thinking I was doing. I can't say I ever tried to improve the relationship between me and Edward, but why should I try? _Maybe because he's living in your house Bella…?_ I huffed at myself. The reasoning was water tight. Didn't mean I had to like it.

I would have to admit, I did have a crush on Edward as a senior-he was being halfway decent to me then. By halfway decent, I mean less glaring and no laughing at Emmet's jokes. And by jokes, it was more lets tease Bella time. But of course that little crush was abruptly ended when he spilt sauce all over my white mini skirt.

"Bella!" I whipped my head around to the door. "Jake's on the phone, he wants to know if your still up for your play date?" I rolled my eyes. Alice always called them play dates. She thought Jacob had a thing for me, which he didn't, we were just good friends.

"Tell him sure, pick me up at seven." I shouted back, as I pulled myself up off the bed. I walked over to the door, opening it smoothly. Of course I wouldn't be Bella if I didn't trip over the threshold. I only just manged to catch myself in time. _One day, I won't be so clumsy._

"Yeah sure Bella, one day." Edward called out. I blushed, I didn't think I had said it out loud. Of course I didn't have a comeback so I shut my mouth and pulled out the scrable board, settling it on the glass coffee table Esme chose when we first moved in. I pulled the stupid plastic things out of the bag, and lined them up on opposite ends of the board. I grabbed the champagne flutes with the numbers 'twenty one' embellished in gold and the bubble and set them next to the plastic things. I wonder what they're called… I found myself musing. Of course, I then did the second dumbest thing of my incredibly short life.

"Edward, do you want to play?" Of course I never anticipated a yes. And since every god out there hates me, a yes is just what I got.

Fuming I pulled out another plastic thing. Really, after spending half my time playing scrabble you'd think I'd have something more imaginative to call them. We all sat around the table, pulling out tiles and spelling random words out, occasionally cheering when we hit a high scoring word.

It was out third game of the evening when the first blow was struck. Edward's face looked so smug, I suddenly felt incredibly nervous. Nerves struck out to anger as I read the word he had just placed over a triple word score.

Blowjob. A very low blow indeed.

I was immensely pleased that I hadn't used the 'h' yet. Now I could articulate 'asshat' onto the board as I jutted my chin out defiantly toward Edward. Alice cocked her head to the side, frowning before adding on 'stop'.

"Unimpressive Alice." Edward said, before adding a 'w-h-r-e' around the 'o' in stop.

"Real mature Cullen, you know that's not true." I spat at him, flippng the board over.

"And that is?" he said, quirking up an eyebrow, now matching Alice. I threw my hands up in the air. I'd argue with him later. Right now I had to meet up with Jake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, that was kinda cool. thanks for all the reveiws and alerts. hope this doesn't disappoint kiddies, i dislike this chapter quite a lot, but it's got important information in it...**

CHAPTER TWO- Play Date.

Well. That was the world's worst playdate- it officially beat the play date Renee forced me to go on when I was seven. I'm not entirely sure they ever got all the money back, the kids thought it'd be funny to make me a piggy bank.

Anyway, the 'play' date. Jake took me to some fancy restaurant. All the tables were candlelit and I felt myself feel rather weary.

"Jacob Black, please explain." I said, my signature acidity drippng from every word. He glanced my way and hurridly said,

"It's our fiftieth play date, I thought I'd make it special." I rolled my eyes. Ony he would remember a silly total like that. So we sat there, eating and talking. Laguhing, enjoying. Then he said the five words I had hoped to never hear tumble from his mouth.

"I'm in love with you, Bella." Ok, well six, including my name. Besides the point. I started freaking out, Alice had warned me this would happen. But of course little ole me was just a tad oblivious on that matter. I thought the candy hearts I had swapped a life time of servitude for were just a tacky joke! But no. My second best friend, had foolishly fallen in love.

Of course I bailed on the date then; I wasn't one for confrontations nor arguments, and like a girl I ran off. No shame in that, I was born with a vag, giving me the right to do so.

Alice was startled when I arrived home early. She took one look at my face and managed to gather what was wrong. So she skipped off to the kitchen, whacked strawberries and liquor into the blender and served me a long glass full of 'I told you so'.

Then the questioning began. I felt like I was being pelted by rubber bullets. I was hurting. I shouldn't have run from the restaurant, I should have stayed and talked. By golly it would be an awkward conversation the next time I spoke to Jacob.

But I'll admit, the thing that scared me most was the possiblity of my friendship with him would be broken. There was always a constant pull towards him, like I was meant to be in his life- sounds stupid and corny but it felt right. But it was never meant as lovers. So I sat, and I sobbed on Alice's shoulders, as we drank the blues away.

At some point she chucked on a random DVD, and we fell back into the couch, not talking. After many years of good friendship Alice knew when to stop talking and to just let me mull over things in my mind. And so that's just what I did. I thought, and I thought. I thought about me, and Jake, and where that was going to go now. I had to silently giggle. Charlie would lose his bet to Billy; they were betting on the odds of me and Jacob moving past the 'just friends' thing. They didn't know I knew about the bet, and I was quite willing to keep it that way. But I still…he was my second best friend. A quiet snore pulled me out of my reverie, and I glanced over to find an Alice, arms dangling of the couch, fast asleep. I smiled then pulled out the pollaroid, snapping a quick pic of her, then scooped her up and put her to bed. It wasn't hard, she was so light. I then walked back to the lounge room, only to be given a metaphorical heart attack when I noticed someone else sitting in _my_ seat.

"Hey, budge it."

"I love this movie, it's classic." He said, not moving. I flicked my eyes up to the screen.

"Ten things I hate about you?"I questioned, sitting on Alice's couch.

"Oh yes. I know it's more a chic flick, but it's still good." He said, passing over the remains of my third daquiri. Damn Alice made these strong.

"Bleh. HAH!" I yelled out, pointing to the screen "… so being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time." I said in sync with Julia Stiles. "Oh god I love Kat, she has it spot on." I said, downing my drink. Edward twisted around to look at me.

"What makes you say that?"

"Puh-leaze Edward. Don't play innocent, you've death glared me since I waltzed into Alice's life." Whoops. Bad Bella, stupid alcohol.

"Didn't want you to get too involved." He mumbled.

"Why? Am I not good enough to hang around her huh?" I slurred out.

"Well, not really, I did see you with a freaking plastic cock shoved down your throat while you were blissfully trashed- not the life I wanted for my little sister."

"She's just as big an influence on me, as I was on her, sorry if you were too busy hating me to see that your little sister was never as innocent as you liked to think. And she's what, twenty something? Your just jealous that I'm closer to her than you are." I nodded my head, confirming to myself that yes, that's what I thought.

"Shove a sock in it- or rather a plastic cock in your case Bella." I felt the blush rising, as the rather sharp memory filled my hazy brain.

"You just wish it had been your cock, right Cullen, I mean your tally is what, zero?" I sneered. However I had the distinct feeling I might live to regret that one. Yep, definitely another moment where my pretty blue stilettoes should have been stuffed in my mouth.

That was enough for him. He stood up, and stalked off to the spare room. He paused, back still turned to me.

"It would have been easier if you had never met Alice, trust me on this one, it's better if we aren't friends Bella ." he whispered.And with that, he left, leaving me to feel rather confused. Well, at least up until the point I passed out anyway.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

I awoke to a shriek, and a bang. Ahhh the blissful sounds of Alice running late, trying to shove on her five inch black strappy Jimmy Choos, as she hopped around in her black pencil skirt. The image of her performing her 'getting ready for work' dance made me smirk.

"Don't bother smirking, your late too." His voice rang out silkily, as the teaspoon clinked against the mugs.

"Shit shit shit shit shit." I said, stumbling up quickly. I glanced at the clock, we had to leave in five minutes. "Oh fuck, I can't afford to be late again." I glanced up to see Edward peering down at me. "What Cullen?" he shrugged his shoulders.

"Have you always had a potty mouth?" He asked conversationally. I couldn't be bothered with this right now. I raced into my bedroom, and quickly pulled on a black pair of pants, and a clean white shirt. Giving myself a once over, I deemed my makeup still decent, leaving my hair to be quickly chucked up in a ponytail. Now for shoes…

"Alice, where are my work heels?" I called.

"You left them at work, wear the ankle boots." She yelled back. Poor girl was probably trying to work out how to coordinate her ipod to her skirt. I slipped on my heeled boots, and ran out, scooping up my laptop into my handbag, just as Alice came in juggling her purse, camera and several catalogues. The top two from her pile slipped to the floor and without thinking I bent over to pick them up.

_Riiiiiiiiiiip._

Please god, kill me. It would be much more merciful than this.

"Gee Bella, never quite picked you as a lacy boy shorts girl, I thought you'd wear tighty whities." Edward managed to choke out through his chuckles. Damn those rich, sweet chuckles, the ones that make women melt into a pile of goo…Oh for the love of all that's holy, he's a prick.

Clutching the remains of my dignity I stalked back to my room , pulling off the boots and the pants, and swept on an A-line skirt and heels with ribbons that wrapped their way up my calf. Satisfied with my effort, I walked back out to the giggling pair, picked up my bag and stormed out of the apartment, without marring my dramatic departure with a trip to the ICU.

I stepped into the elevator, ignoring Alice's calls for me to hold it. Once the metal doors closed I leant back against the mirror, groaning.

Twice, in the space of three days I mangaed to fully humilate myself. And I don't quite remember what I said last night, but knowing me, I'm sure I said something I shouldn't have. Awesome. I so did not feel like working right now.

The elevator rang out, and the doors slid open. I jumped about two feet in the air when a very annoyed Alice stood there, tapping her Jimmy Choos on the slate floor.

"how'd you get down the stairs so fast."

"I flew." She said sarcastically. Man that hurt. Oh well, she started it.

We walked to work, it was only two blocks from where we lived. Of course she walked with such poise and grace, I looked like a bloody donkey as I walked beside her, stumbling over the flat concrete. But oh well, I guess that's how its always been.

"Bella?"

"Mmm?"

"Can you and Edward act a little bit more civil towards eachother, its getting on my nerves to have my BFF and my brother constantly at each other's throats." I sighed, of all the things she had to ask.

"But Alice…" I whined. I did not want to be friends with that jerk. Well I guess he wasn't a total asshole, I mean he seemed to be reasonable to everyone else…

"Bella, please; you love me like a sister right?" I grumbled again, I hated it when she used that line.

I nodded, my jaw snapped shut.

"I'll try Alice, but I will retaliate if he starts." She gleefully shrieked, pulling me into a tight hug. With out height difference, this action sent us both tumbling to the floor.

She smiled sheepishly at me, and just like that the ice melted and we were BFF's all over again.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

"So Bella, who would that dashing hunk of meat be, you know the one that caught you bottoms up to the plastic cock?" Oh god, Jessica, must you speak now? My head was killing me, and my neck felt stiff. Not to mention I was struggling to come up with next months article, and deal with Jake at the same time.

But of course she wouln't let it go. So I turned to her, rolling my eyes at her.

"That would be Alice's older brother, not a piece of meat, don't bother, Alice will rip your throat out if you try to date him."

"Sounds like your just hoarding him for yourself."she sneered . I had to laugh. Putting as much sarcasm into my voice I replied with,

"Yeah, I want Edward all to myself, so I can tie him up and store him in my closet, so I can put my mouth skills to good use."

"Well a bloke can't argue with that now can he." Oh great, kill me now. I turned to see Edward perched on my desk, plastic bag in hand. He noticed me looking at the bag, and held it up. "I'm here on Alice's orders, she wanted your opinion on her fashion picks and I quote, 'would you please re-read my article and put your sparkly oomph into it', end quote." Ah, of course. Alice could piece together a great outfit, but her and words clashed frequently. I nodded, chuckling when I caught sight of Jessica drooling shamelessly.

"Say, Edward," Oh god, now she was walking our way, sashaying her hips like she had spastic hip movements. Hell this girl was a ditz by nature.

"No thanks, your not my type." And with that he left. Jessica frowned.

"How did he reject me without me finishing my sentence?" she asked me, to which I shrugged.

"Don't look at me. That would be the most complex male in the history of men, I will never understand him."I snapped. I slunked over my desk, half heartedly browsing through the bag. i couldn't catch a break with that boy. There we have it- my official tally of idiotic stunts in front of Edward now equalled three.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

You know I how I mentioned that first impressions are important, and they can make and break you? Well, I really need to take my own advice. After Cullen left, I was typing away, when the phone rings. Turns out it's Jacob, wanting to talk things over. This lead to an argument of epic proportions. I swear the whole office was listening in- and I cant say I blamed them, I'm sure it was more interesting than 'Days of our Lives'.

So there I was, giving Jacob the one hundred and one reasons why we couldn't be anymore than just friends, when someone taps me on the shoulder. I stupidly assume it's Alice and tell them to f-bomb off. Continuing on with my argument with Jacob I use every swear word I know, and proceded to tell him what he can do with his god damn testicles.

With another tap on the shoulder I turn around, and say "I don't care that you think your damn important, this is bloody well im…." And like that, my voice is caught in my throat and my blood runs cold. "Er call you later asshat." I hiss into the phone, dropping it like it was a snake. I stood, and hastened an apology. Then she poke icily to me. Told me I had an hour to get my stuff out, and never to return again. Shiiiiiit.

Alice came rushing down when she heard about my disgrace- word sure does travel fast. She had heard the CEO wanted to meet me after my last article, apparantly it was so good, they were looking at promoting me to a more senior position. Boy did I screw that up. So with that knowledge, Alice escorted me out, and said she'd talk to me later at home, over wine and triple chocolate ice cream. My life was fast turning into one of those tragic chic flicks, where everything goes wrong til she met Mr. Right. So I just had to find him. Much easier said than done of course.

Which leads me to this point in my life, where I was trudging down the street, heels on top of the box. Of course, one slips of the box and onto the road. Placing the box on the concrete, I bend over to pick it up. Ah stupid Bella, it's a road! You know one of those things cars drive along?

I hear the car, long before I see it. Should be fine, people survive car crashes all the time. Then I look at it, and my hopes plumet.

Great, a van. My chances of suviving this? Limited. I hope I don't crap my knickers, that'd be highly embarrassing. Could you imagine that? Laying in hospital, a young hot, rich doctors comes in…and you've shat yourself, dashing any chance of screwing the hot doc.

Bella! i mentally scream at myself. Your wasting precious end of life memory flashback moments here by contemplating the loss of dignity crapping yourself would bring about.

The next few seconds flew by, as the adrenaline picked up on every small detail. Like the ugly blue of the van, and the terrified look on the driver's face. The words 'Not her'. The shrieks and screams. Edward, one hundred metres away, looking in shock. The van was so close now, it was swerving, but I was still going to be taken out.

Then, at the last second my head smacked against the sidewalk, as cold hands pushed me out of the way. Well, if I'm lucky I could live through this and gain amnesia. That'd be the best way to forget the horrors of the last few days. But potential hottie alert? He's a hero, maybe I could take him out to dinner to say thanks…perhaps this is the turning point the heroine seems to get, where she gets the guy.

I turn to thank the guy.

"Oh god, thank…"the words die in my mouth. In the movies, the girl is rescued by a gorgeous gentleman. I, Isabella Marie Swan, get freaking Cullen. Uncool.

Of course most swooning women might enjoy being swept off their feet- well shoved off their feet by him, but not me.

"Are you ok Bella?" Wow, was that genuine concern there? I guess I should be nice to him, he did just save my spine and possibly my life. Wait, rewind, how do I be nice to him? It's uncharted territory.

"Bella?" Oh, right, he probably would like an answer right about now. I looked up at his face, into those dazzling amber eyes of his- hold the phone his eyes were amber?

"Hey since when were your eyes amber? I thought they were dark browny colour to almost black?" I blurted out. His features fell back to relief.

"Silly girl, it's just the light. Trust you to nearly be killed and then worry about my eyes."

"How'd you get here so quick, you were too far." He shook his head.

" No, I was much closer than you thought. Then I guess I managed to pull out some serious andrenaline to get to your side."

"No Edward, you were much to far to have saved me on adrenaline alone." He shook his head, ready to argue with me again, when a paramedic put his hand on Edward's shoulder, and I vaguely remember them exchanging a few words.

Something warm and wet was sliding down my cheek and I raised a hand to wipe it away. Blood. Great. And just like that, I passed out. Least I didn't crap my pants.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

So I awoke, had a sobbing Alice by my side, a dozen phone calls form Renee and Charlie, and felt the need to get out of this room. Much too white for my liking. I'm sure Alice was suffering in her own way, I'm sure she was itching to get some colour on that wall. Or at least to match the floor with the curtains. Either way, my wake up was rather cliched. Flowers, cards, and sobbing best friends. The only thing that was missing was the hot guy doctor. Shaaaaaame.

I had only been out for two hours. But because they thought it was due to concussion, I was stuck here. Truth was it was the blood. I've always fainted at the sight of blood. Yeah yeah, I'm a pussy, go ahead and sue me. I don't see anything wrong with fainting, when blood's on the outside, rather than the inside, right where it's supposed to be.

Alice had been kind enough to bring my laptop, so she sat, tucked up in the armchair, helping me write replies to the emails for 'Missy'.

"Oh my god, Bella you have to put that one in the article." Alice was laughing so hard, I thought she was high. But when I read it, I had to laugh too.

Dear Missy

_I lost my virginity yesterday. Is there anyway I can get it back?_

_Lost._

Short sweet, and utterly stupid. What planet was this chic from? The response was forming in my head straight away. My fingers flew furiously over the keys, and with a few suggestions from Alice, the response was made.

_Lost, _

_Have you lost your freaking marbles? You can't just get your virtue back- this isn't Wallmart, you don't get your money back bacause you weren't satisfied with the product. I must ask, How did you lose your virginity? You sounds like one of those asian school girls on crack who giggle at even the thought of a 'dirty word'. Personally, I do suggest going out and exploring the fun nature of sex, your virtues gone, why not roll around in a pile of male sin, and shag yourself senseless in this new indulgence. Of course, if you'd like to pretend you're a virgin, I'm pretty sure there's some kind of surgery to re-attatch you hymen. Pretty pointless though; It will just get broken again._

"Gosh I love my job. I get to make fun of people, laugh at their problems, and I'm allowed to put my foot in it, because no one expects me to be polite about it." I sighed as I lay back onto the bed.

"Ditto." Alice said, curling back into a ball.

"Grr, why wont they release me?" I moaned, looking at the clock again.

"That my dear, is where I come in. Rise and shine, your charriot shall arrive in say, ten minutes."

"Okay, where is the real Edward Cullen, and what have you done with him?" I blurted out. Alice tugged sharply on my gown, pulling my ear to her lips.

"Be nice, I spoke to him, about being nice to you, and well, he did save you, and your in a hospital bed." She hissed at me. Why didn't anyone warn me that midgets were fierce?

I plastered on a great big phony grin. It was the best I could do for now.

"So you've come to spring me?" I asked him, rather optimistically.

"Yeah, actually, in the form of an old aquaintance to Carlisle. He'll be here to sign the release in a minute." Oh thank christ. But being saved by Edward twice in one day? I was feeling slightly creeped out.

Lets hope this wasn't going to become a more regular occurance. I don't want to be in debt to Edward Cullen.

**Sorry its a wee bit short, but the next chapter is half done. A big thankyou to all my reviewers- all those reading** **this thank jake000000000000000- your review reminded me i had this chapter lying around. And a big thanks** **toxXShamrockXx and Hope4more, your reviews are much to kind, and gave me the need to write.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hope4more, this chapter and a lawn mowing edward, is dedicated to you 3**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Of course every girl likes to be the subject of ridicule from her best friend and her brother. Cough insert sarcasm here cough. The 'Bella has more disasters than the freakin Bermuda Triangle' line was getting old. Not to mention it wasn't even funny. Jokes from Charlie are never funny. It was due to its extreme unfunniness, that Edward and Alice felt the need to constantly repeat it.

Is unfunniness even a word? Too bad, I just used it.

I'm still avoiding Jake. Son of a bitch won't quit asking why I don't want to date him. Does the fact that it'd be like kissing my brother mean anything. Obviously not. He told me if it bothered me, think of us as second cousins, because apparantly that was legal. But no thanks, I'd rather not have children with three eyes and webbed feet. That's a thought no one wants to have, it still chills me to the core. Yuck.

Renee had come and gone, as well. She had fallen in love with Edward. Told me to 'hook in.'. I of course being the lovely daughter that I am, told her to shut up in the politest tone I could muster. I know mothers want gorgeous grandbabies from their daughter, and she thought his charm with the combined good looks would make everyone in a ten mile radius coo.

Charm shmarm. The boy's charm could hardly fill an aeroplane's peanut packet. Of course Edward plays the perfect gentleman when Renee's around, she doesn't see the devil's spawn, oh no. She sees the sweet kid from down the road who used to mow the lawn. I still don't know why he mowed our lawn…shirtless.

Wait a minute, hold that thought.

Oh. Oh. Ooooh.

Epiphany moment. Oh you dirty woman Renee. What a cougar, she was checking him out. When he was only sixteen. Double yuck. Still I had to chuckle at that thought.

"What are you laughing about Bella?" Edward asked, pulling my out of my off track thoughts.

"Know when you used to mow out lawns? Shirtless?" I asked him.

"Yeah, your mum used to pay me heaps. And the shirt thing? I noticed I always got more when I didn't wear it." I stared at him, aghast.

"You paraded around my front yard wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, knowing my mum would pay you more?" I all but shouted at him. He shrugged. "That makes you no better than a whore!"

"Hey, I gotta make my money somehow." He winked at me. I rolled my eyes. Stupid chauvanistic male.

Ah sweet youth, how I almost miss those days. It's kind of cool though, I still look the same as I did when I was eighteen. Just my dress sense has improved. Thank god. Jeans and shirts look fine, but don't make much of an impression. And since we all know I put my shoe in it, I need all the help I can get.

My dress sense improved the day the Cullens moved in down the road from Renee and Phils. Turns out the Cullens were from Forks, and knew Charlie. So we formed the welcome to Phoenix committee. Alice saw me, squealed, and sat me down, strapped me to a chair and played guinea pig barbie. And that's how we became friends.

Then of course Renee, being the gracious hostess mentioned how in the neighbourhood it was hard to get a decent fellow to mow the lawn. Carlisle immeadiately volunteered Edward for the job- Carlisle was sick of Edward sponging money of him.

And that is the story, of Edward Cullen, lawn mower man. Shame he didn't clean the pool too, could you imagine those hips swaying from side to side as he picked out leaves? Yeah yeah, I said he was an ass, and I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole- but I'm not a lesbian. I like my men, tall and lean and Edward Cullen was just that. Who was I to deny such eye candy at the tender age of sixteen? Lol could you imagine him in short shorts and a tight tee, swooning with a mexican accent?

I snickered again.

"What?" he asked, in the same irritated tone. Wow, that was just a tad rude. Sure he was watching his favourite show, but it was on my tv. So I'm entitled to laugh when I please. Nodding in self reassurance I cockily said, "Nothing." The eyebrow went up. Gah. Stupid Cullen kids and their eyebrows. Emmett did it too. However that was more the silent question he asked me when I showed up with a new bandaid.

"Just thinking back to when we were sixteen. The first day you lot moved to Phoenix."

"Ah yes, now that was something. Your mum was hot!" I shuddered.

"Don't ever say that again, I'll castrate you." I threatened, that was not a thought I wanted to even contemplate. I shuddered again, just thinking about Edward thinking…eww. I turned to see Edward looking at me like I had sprouted anoher head. "You do know I was joking?" he said uncertainly. "Not saying your mum's ugly, but well, there's no way I'd be checking her out. I just took advantage of the situation."

Hang on, hang on. Something's not right here. I feel like I should be freaking out. Don't suppose it's because Edward Cullen and Bella Swan are talking in a civilized tone perhaps? Yes. Yes that's definitely it.

Three, two, one.

That it folks, Isabella Marie Swan has officially lost her marbles.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

Dinner was an interesting affair. It was the first time since my release from hospital that we- as in Alice, Asshat and I were all present for. It was so awkward. Normally a situation would have started an all-out verbal war, with Alice playing Switzerland. Usually switzerlands my territory, I had to play it a lot when Charlie and Renee were going throught their divorce.

However, since I promised to play nice, all you could hear was the clinking of cutlery. There was so much tension, you would have needed a chain saw to cut through it.

"Pass the salt Alice." Edward asked politely. Alice passed the small container over to him.

"Hold that comment Edward, I'm enjoying the peace." She said, putting down the knife and fork.

"What? I didn't say anything." He looked at her indignantly, pulling big dark puppy eyes. Pathetic.

"You were about to. And if you break this truce, tomorrow night's dinner will be Testicle a la' Edward, served with a side of kidney salad." She said harshly. He winced. Don't blame him though, for someone so tiny, she was frightening in her own right. Even I was a bit taken aback by her tone. She smiled sweetly- much too sweetly, stood up, and swept up her plate, storming off into the kitchen. I swiveled my head to check the coast was clear, then stuck my tongue out across the table to Edward.

"Isabella, stick that tongue back in your mouth or that will be dessert." That was downright creepy. Who knew Alice Cullen could see through walls?

She started up the blender, Edward and I snuck in quick conversation in hushed whipers. It went something like:

"This is weird."

"I know, we don't do civilized."

"Agreed. So how about a comprimise- there's always a compromise."

"I'm listening."

"You be nice to me, I be mean to you."

"no deal, can't things stay the way they are?

"Well not really. I don't want Alice having to choose between her best friend and her brother."

"Yeah, she's had a hard life, no need to make it harder."

"But I can't be civil to you, I don't like you."

"Dito."

"how about, when around Alice, we act civilized enough. Alone, we can be down right rude."

"How romantic."

"Then we agree?"

"Sign sealed and delivered."

That conversation took place in the space of about sixty seconds. It was nice to have that sorted out- dessert went smoothly, with much less tension.

Later in the shower, I would mull over our words, for it had been a relatively civil conversation, and one not forced upon us. And as I over analysed the exchange, I found myself pondering the look on his face when I had told him I didn't like him. It was so foreign to his face, it didn't belong. It looked hurt, but there was no reason for it.

Like I said, I was just looking into it too deeply. It was pretty clear we hated eachother.

Well I didn't like him anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER SIX

* * *

Pass me the bleach please. My eyes have been soiled.

I had been bored out of my mind. Alice was out choosing new fabrics and god knows where Edward spent his time. Now when I'm bored, I do the laundry.

So there I was, folding the towels, when the phone rings. I have to say, it was nice to hear Angela's voice, I hadn't spoken to her in ages. Turns out she and Ben had moved to New York as well, Ben had been promoted. We talked and talked , when she finally lets it slip that they were engaged, and wanted me and Alice to come to the wedding.

While this conversation had been going on, I had finished folding the towels, and was making my way to the bathroom.

I was yakking away, excited to hear Ang was getting married. Was about time that Ben asked her, they had been crushing on eachother since the second grade, and dating since their sophomore year. I opened the bathroom door without the customary knock, you know the normal thing you do when no one's home, and cut myself of mid-conversation with a scream and drop the towels and phone. I could hear Angela's concerened voice shouting up at me. But I couldn't move, I was frozen, and I was gawking.

_He_ sat there, in the bath, his hand wrapped around his cock, which was lathered in soap. I give him credit, he was well endowned. Didn't change the fact he was sitting in the bathroom, wanking.

I will never, ever use the bath again.

Well unless I bleach it, sterilise it, more bleach, and a few tequila shots.

Then tied down, and forced into that bath.

Wait, that was just a tad gay. What straight man has a bath these days? Weird.

So I was standing there, towels and phone on the floor. Angela's voice was screeching softly to me, asking if I was there and if i was alright. Course not, Edward is in the bath tub, jerking off. How am I alright? I need an eye transplant, quick. Or a damn big shot of absinthe.

Green fairies here I bloody well come.

The wanker- pun inteaded, has the nerve to cheekily ask me if I'm enjoying the view, and if I like, there are repeat performances and three, seven and twelve, and a two o'clock show in the shower. That almost put me off the idea of bathing and had me gagging. But it did pull me out of my stupor.

Being the mature one, I threw the pile of towels at him, scooped up the phone and retreated to the kitchen, reassuring Angela I hadnt died as I prepared mine and Alice's brain killing concoction- absinthe, vodka, tequila, sugar syrup and someother crap. It filled the glass and I chucked it back in one hit.

Wasn't the most brilliant idea I had ever had. Two and a half mintes later, the alcohol hit my head and apparantly I stormed into the bathroom again, intent on giving Edward a piece of my mind. That's about as far as my memory goes. It kinda gets hazy from there on.

From what I was told, Edward had gotten out of the bath, engaged in our argument, stark naked, and I was apparantly drooling over his figure. Bet he was lying. Jake came around, and I elbowed him in the nuts as he came up behind me to give me a hug, causing him to leave, cussing every painful step of the way. Then I passed out, leading me to this point in my life.

Hungover amongst my silk sheets, in just my panties.

Oh how the light hurt. Stupid drink didn't do its trick, I remembered every damn fine line on his toned body. His body was so perfect…and I've really got to stop thinking like this, it's prooving to be disturbing. I turn my head to the left and see a bottle of water on the nightstand, along with two asprin. I down the pills and water before reading the note left under the bottle. Not important, but the boy had pretty handwriting- it made my scrawl look like something from the dark ages.

I didn't feel like moving. So I didn't. I went back to sleep.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

I love Alice to pieces, but its times like these I loathe her.Let me explain to you, this degrading story.

I had been happily sleeping, silky sheets caressing my skin- okay, okay I'll cut the crap. I was sleeping, Alice comes in, tears of the sheets, causing me to jump and swear. That was fine until Edward shows up in the room, and all I'm wearing are lacey pink panties. Humiliating. My arm's flung around my chest, and both Edward and Alice have this comical look upon their face eyes wide and jaws dropped. Well comical hadn't I been topless and both of them in my room.

Two minutes later, I'm fully dresses, and they both mutter apologies. Edward also slips in that he deserves and apology, and I cleverly start to apologise for walking in on him wanking, only to remember I'm with Alice and that I have to be civilised. So in the end it sounds really lame.

I swear, there isn't a day I don't say or do anything stupid, or embarrass myself. It's starting to get irritating.

Alice then kindly tells me I have a blind date set up for tonight. And that we're going shopping for a new outfit. From years of experience, I grab my bag and march out the door, straight to her car. No point in arguing, you can play rock scissors paper with her, but she always wins. Resistance is futile and all.

My day is shit, we shopped for two hours, I got dragged through twenty million stores, she fed me sushi for lunch- that stuff isn't real food, and then dragged me back home only to attack me with facial creams and other crap. And now, yours truly is sitting opposite the most irritating male to walk the planet.

His names Mike. If your best friend ever tells you your going on a blind date with a guy named Mike, fake an aneurysm. Why? His first words to me were,

"Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns."

What is he, like twelve? Cheesy and sexually related. Well done Alice, you've picked a real winner here. God his sperm would be so stupid they'd be busy trying to implant themselves in eachother. Some one really needs to take him out of the gene pool, man will never evolve with idiots let loose like this. It's the reason our economy is failing; the reason we have dumb warning labels, like do not place hand on curling iron when hot.

The company sucked. I only stayed for the food. It was a nice restaurant, and the champagne was flowing, I think he wanted in my panties. Too bad- not happening. I could almost picture his dick poking me in the armpit, and even that was unpleasant to visualize. I scoffed down my dessert, and before I knew it, Mike was asking for my digits. The boy was stupid, Bella Swan doesn't date baby faced boys. Real men have jaw lines and cheek bones, and don't gel their hair in hard spikes, like dorky high schoolers.

I'm not shallow, I just like the whole package, you know, looks and a real personality. Money's nice too. But it's much too hard to find a man with all three things. Oh and to be able to dress himself nicely as well…that's my ideal man right there.

I take this opportunity to yell out a few choices of words, I think pig made it into there, and I storm out. Dramatic, he pays the bill, and looks bad for it. Score one for Bella. Doesn't quite help that I have no clue as to where I am. No matter, I'll walk, I can't be that far from home.

-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-

Bad move, I'm lost. It's been two hours, and I have to admit, I'm a little scared. The streets look a little seedier here. Time to suck up my pride and call home, and ask for a lift home. I'd get a cab, but knowing mike would be paying for dinner, I had a total of two dollars, enough to use a payphone. I pick up my cell phone and dial the home number.

"Hello?" I didn't want him to pick up.

"Edward, is Alice there?" I asked, my voce small and meek. A few men were lingering outside a bar, my stomach was feeling queesy.

"No, she's gone somewhere, dunno where though. Wanting to discuss how great your date is as you fix up your make up?" he said, his tone harsh.

"No, I need picking up, I'm lost and there are some guys eyeing me…" I started walking back the way I came.

"Where are you Bella? I'll come and get you." I glanced around for a street sign. No such luck.

"I don't know, there's a general store on the corner, says Barrys. And theres a bar, Lady Liquids and oh my god I have to go." I slipped the phone in my pocket, I was being followed. Two sets of footsteps, pounding in my ears. I was feeling sick. I picked up my pace, turning randomly left, into a more brightly lit street. I came to a T-junction. Left or right? In my peripheral vision I saw two men, and my gut told me to run in the opposite direction. So I did, stumbling all the while in the stilettoes I had worn.

Great. Of course I go the wrong way, it's a dead end. Then the thought strikes me, they weren't stalking me. They were herding me into a corner. It's just a wee bit insulting, I certainly don't look like a cow. Well at least I don't think I do.

They start leering at me, calling me names and so forth. If I had thought Mike's comments were lewd, well this was worse. They were drunk and I started panicking. If they attacked me, what could I do. I certainly was not about to be gang raped. Who knew what STD's these men carried around. The man on the left looked like he had herpes. No way did I want that one.

They startled walking closer towards me, and I edged my way along the wall. I tried to remember Sandra Bullocks technique on that movie, oh shit what was it called- you know the one with the beauty pagent and she's an FBI agent or some shit like that. Oh damn what on earth was that movie called?

A screeching of tires interupts the game of cat and mouse, and before I can blink, three of the four men are on the ground, clutching various bits of anatomy. Before I can register any other movements, I was swept up off my feet and taken to a car.

Oh right, so Edward had arrived, in the nick of time. I guess that takes his total to three.

"Bella, distract me." His demand pulled me out of the dazed stupor. I hadnt realised we were driving yet. My mind just shut down.

"What's the name of that movie with Sandra Bullock in, she's an agent in a beauty pagent…"

"Miss Congeliality."

"Oh."

"Distract me Bella." He demanded again, through clenched teeth. Talk about pushy but I wasn't going to push his buttons just yet.

"My date was terrible. He used cheesy pick up lines and looked like a high schooler. And he was so immature, you would have thought Alice would have better taste than that. I mean she may not be the one dating him, but she has to deal with him too…" I rambled on, and a forced smile spread across Edwards lips. Looked more like a grimace.

We got home, and I raced into the shower, I felt so unclean. I got out and pulled on some trackies and a tank top and headed to the kitchen, in search for some wine.

"Edward, do you want a drink?" I called out. Some where, probably the lounge room, a faint 'no' could be heard. I poured myself a large glass and walked out there. He sat, the television on, and he stared at it. His gaze was so intense, it was like he was looking straight through it. He stood up suddenly.

"I'm going out. Be safe kiddo." And with that he walked out, grabbing his keys on the way.

I sat there mulling his words. _Be safe_.

I guess I didn't always have to hate him- he wasn't always a jerk.

**Apologies for the mistakes, my spell checker is broken. So i've tried my best but still, i'm sure i missed a few S i didn't actually know that was possible to break it until today. I'm still mourning it's death.**


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER

* * *

Dinner dates were always fun, especially with your siblings. Ok so I don't have siblings, but the Cullens were close enough.

Rosalie and Emmett were in town to visit the three of us. They were staying with us for a week, which meant our sleeping arrangements were shuffled around. I was sleeping in Alice's room. It kind of made sense- her bed was twice the size of mine. Of course I could have Alice in my room and Edward in hers, but the girl wiggles in her sleep, you need more room to dodge her limbs as she thrashes around wildly, almost like an octopus on steroids. This solution did mean Edward was sacrificing his bed and sleeping in my room.

I, personally, had liked the idea of popping him outside on the balcony, offering to even buy him a kennel. Alice didn't find that one funny, even if Emmett had. That's why Emmett was my favourite Cullen.

I was given the choice of sleeping on the couch, or Rose and Emmett could use my room. But our couches were uncomfortable and I wasn't prepared to clean out the cum stains from my carpets and pick up used condoms, so Alice's room it was.

Anyway, there we were sitting in some fancy restaurant- the Cullen kids always had money to splash around, so of course it was their treat. Drinking and eating away merrily, the conversation turns as Emmett asks me,

"What have you done to embarrass your self lately."

Alice and Edward duck their faces down to hide the sniggers which causes me to glare at course I then launch into the story of how I got fired, my 'play date' with Jacob, the blind date from hell, and landing myself in hospital. Everyone is laughing at me. Completely unfair. I may do a lot of dumb things, but geez, they do too!

"Meh." I say, knowing this will annoy Emmett. Surely enough, Emmett is frustrated with my lack of argument. Too bad for him I learnt that lesson. For all you out there, unfortunate enough to be able to call this douche family, Bella's Tip for Surviving the Cullens number 36: Don't argue with Emmett no matter how wrong he actually is, he loses interest and you score major win. And sure enough he springs to his second favourite topic.

"So Edward, found a woman yet? Or are you going to finaly come out of the closet?"

"I'm not gay Emmett, and I haven't had time"

"It's about time you scored, how bout the blonde?" Emmett asked, pointing to some busty blonde in a red started pointing all the reasons why not.

Their banter continues and Rose and Alice squeal on about some random crap, I was completely unsure as to what it was, I stopped listening when the word 'baby' came in. It's not that I'm a cold heartless cow who doesn't want to hear about her friends efforts at getting pregnant, it's just I dislike children, and can't quite build that enthusiasm about them. After all they scream, shit, puke, yell then years later show you gratitude by still yelling, adding in spending your shoe savings and other what-not. And I have enough problems of my own, not to mention I killed my fish within two days. Letting children loose under Bella Swan would be a disasterous idea, almost as bad as allowing Panic at the Disco out of their slimy cages.

I was still undecided on the Jake issue. I could try and act like we were normal again, or I could just attempt to find a new friend. Of course, that could be hard- I guess I could always attempt reality TV. After all if Paris Hilton can attempt to find a best friend for life on TV, then Bella Swan should be allowed to as well. Now that's something I would pay to see. Hang on, wasn't I thinking of something else before hand? No? Oh well.

I lost interest with my own thoughts and turned to a leaflet tucked within the menu. A gym advert or something. I pulled out a biro from my purse and started doodling over the leaflet, drawing in a beard and moustache over the model on the equipment. I was in the middle of drawing armpit hair, when a rather irritating squeal errupted to the left.

"Bella, Alice, it's so nice to see you!" Ouch, my night has been wounded by a banshee who names herself Jessica. I looked up reluctantly, knowing the instant I see her, I might just gouge my eyes out.

"Oh Bella, I didn't see you there. How are you." Oh great, my night is now dead. Newton just killed it. I plastered on a fake smile as I dream of gouge out my eardrums with a plastic spork.

"Mike, Jessica how are you both?" I say. Wow that sounded so fake. I rose the glass to my lips.

"Oh so you know Mike, I never realised the Bella he was talking about was you. Talk about a small world." She slapped Mike on the arm. " I can't believe you didn't think she was pretty enough for you." I choked on my wine.

"More like the other way around." I said, dabbing my lips with the napkin. "I can do so much better than him." Jessica tilted her head to the side in question. "What I can." I said, indignantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Bella, the last guy you actually dated was yonks back, and he doesn't even compare to Mike." I opened my mouth to protest, but she had a point. Tyler was quite ugly.

"She got me, and I'm pretty sure I'm better looking than Mike." Oh no, please tell me he didn't say that. Oh what's that? He did? Kill me now. This was mortifying. Jessica's eyes snapped in recognition and narrowed as she spotted Edward beside me. The botox smile was quickly back in place though.

"Edward it's so nice to see you. I didn't realise you were with Bella now. Especially after the party incident." Emmetts eyebrows quirked up with his familiar, 'what happened?' gesture. I shook my head, not wanting to delve into it with Jessica around. Edward draped an arm around me, and pulled me in closer.

"Well it was very sudden, and her antics amuse me." Oh, my god, get his filthy wank hand off my shoulder. This is a Chanel dress, I spent months saving for it and it's being defiled. But on the bright side her smirk has been completely wiped off her ugly face, and I decide this charade would be worth playing out. After all, Jessica looked like she had been slapped in the face with a wet Kodak moment.

"Yeah, he rescued me from the disaster Mike calls a date, and here we are happily ever aftering." I send her a big cheesy smily, one worthy of myspace. Her back straightens out, the jealousy is seeping from her in large doses, while I feel like washing my mouth out with soap, even if it was pretty close to the truth…

"How nice." She says stiffly. In the background, Mike's puppy face seems to have fallen to the floor. Poor guy, embarrassed on two dates in a row. With a ridiculous wiggle of her fingers, they stormed off leaving us snickering behind menus.

Once they were out of earshot, I turned to Edward.

"Get your filthy wank hand off my Chanel dress." I spat out, venomously. He did, quickly. I think he was genuinely afraid. Emmett looked at me, questioningly.

"Wank hands?"

"Yeah I walked in on him wanking in the bath." I sent Edward the death glare. I still had the image burnt into my brain. Emmett roared with laughter.

"My dear Eddie, you need to get laid man."

"Geez, I wasn't wanking, I was washing. Trust her to walk in at that very moment." I looked at him indignantly.

"Washing? You asked me if I wanted a repeat performance." I shrieked quietly, so other patrons wouldn't hear. Rosalie and Alice joined in with the laughter, as Edward's face turned a deeper red.

"I was only teasing you." He mumbled.

"Teasing Eddie? Sounds like you were asking her out in a twisted way." Emmett boomed, sending glares over to out table. I swatted Emmett's mammoth arm, effectively silencing him. I didn't need to spend the night looking like a tomato.

"Bella, that red on your face contrasts beautifully with the black of that dress." Rosalie said, quite cattily. We never really got along- it's not that she hated me or anything, but I can't say we were the best of friends. She was too perfect. I was just Bella, we didn't share worlds. So I just smiled, it wasn't worth dragging out the claws.

The night passed, in a blur of wine and fruity cocktails. We managed to drag our sorry asses out of the restaurant and into some swanky bar- I believe Emmett had labelled it 'suarve'. Then some how, Alice managed to get us kicked out of there, so we trudged back to the apartment, collapsing in one big heap on the carpet. Edward had to help myself and Alice us the stairs- but I made sure Alice got the defiled right hand.

We sat around, as random music washed over us. Well that was until my stomach's contents decided to pop by and say 'hello'. I rushed over to the toilet, heaving up the nights dinner and drinks. Good god did I feel sick. I wiped my face, before returning to the lounge room to find only Alice sitting there.

"Where'd everyone go?" she shrugged.

"Toilet. You guys must all have food poisoning. So glad I didn't pick the chicken." I gave her a weak smile before running back to the bathroom. Damn all chickens and their disease carrying abilities. Damn them all to hell. I stumbled to the bathroom…pretty sure Rose was a vegitarian …maybe she ate off Emmett's plate by accident. Those thoughts flew out the door as my stomachs contents filled the bowl once more. It was going to be a long night.

-[Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome]-

Clearly at some point in the night, I had been granted sleep by my suffering body. I don't remember where or when that happened, but I awoke at sixteen minutes past eight the next morning feeling incredibly exhausted. But my empty stomach was rumbling, and by golly I was hungry. I guess vomiting your entire weeks worth of meals would do that to me. So against my brains better judgement, I stumbled to the kitchen to satisfy my noisy stomach.

I was greeted by four incredibly chirpy faces. Inwardly, I groaned. How could they all be morning people. It irritated me senseless that they could have four hours sleep,not to mention food poisoning and possible hangover, and still wake up with sunshine blowing out of their asses.

Mumbling incoherently to myself, I shuffled around the kitchen, fixing myself a coffee and some pancakes. I think at some point Emmett threw out a joke at my expense, but I just mumbled something unintelligable back at him as I stumbled around in my lethargic state.

I plopped myself in my usual chair, and started munching on my breakfast.

"Bella, it's Thursday, you know you have a deadline for the newspaper tomorrow, right?"

"Bleh, fuck 'em. I don't need that job anyway."

"Actually honey you do, you got fired from your other job, remember?" I could hear Emmett and Edward snickering in the background.

"Oh yeah." Man I felt stupid. Fuck, now I had to read through possbily chlamydia infested emails to answer pathetic questions about other people's sexual insecurities. Geez, if they were so insecure, then they highly needed to reconsider the idea of potential procreating. But they pay me a ridiculous amount of money to be rude to people. So it was 'off to work I go'. By which I mean in front of the TV, watching Scrubs reruns as I type. Pretty dandy really.

It took ages, but I was quite happy with my handy work. I blabbed on about the benefits of masturbating and toy usage to a frigid granny, who gave up sex because she was embarrassed by her saggy fanny…that was actually a gross mental picture, but hey, it was the easiest to answer. The other one was a girl upset by her other half because he wanted to participate in a threesome. I told her to either A) Do it, of course the more the merrier, or B) suggest that with the threesome another hot male should be added- which should put him off the idea completely. Of course should that fail, you should perhaps just find another bloke. After all, plenty more fish and the see and other what-not.

I stretched my limbs out and jumped when I realised Alice was on the floor in front of me.

"Geez Alice, way to scare a girl." She scowled.

"I've been here for half an hour, you were just too engrossed in the floppy fanny story that you didn't hear me come in. Not my fault your entirely unobservant Isabella." Ouch, no need to kick me in the non existant balls. I leant forward to see what Alice was doing. Bleh, myspace- the idiotic breeding ground of retards. Who really wants to spend time telling complete strangers about their fancies? Doesn't that just scream stalk me? I sighed and returned to my emails. Hopefully if I get enough emails done, I wouldn't have to work for a month. The idea was positively dandy.

I became rather involved with my work, hardly noticing anything around me. There was a rather odd one about a true hemaphrodite- with a fully functioning set of testicles and ovaries who thought it may of impregnated itself while tossing off. That was an awkward one to answer. Another guy had bought a kit which injected crap to enlarge his balls. They enlarged alright, to the size of freakin basketballs. He even sent me a picture. Well done to that genius.

"Hey Bella, quote yourself." Alice asked, breaking into my bubble.

"Errr, remember compliments, that way you'll always know what sarcasm sounds like."

"Spoken like a true cynic." She mumbled, tapping away at her keyboard.

"What are you doing?" I asked her, shutting my laptop.

"Oh just work wanted me to make up a myspace page. And I loved it! But I want you as my top friend, so I've made you one." She handed me the laptop and I stared dumbfound at my page. It was pink, a colour I absolutely loathe. In the top left hand corner was a picture of me in a bikini. Uncool.

"Mary Alice fucking Brandon, get rid of this, there is no way I want ten year old boys jerking off to this."

"Bit up yourself there Bella, who said anyone will be jerking off to that. And anyway, I wont, I like having you in my top friends, you are my best friend after all. And look, you can talk to everyone and…blah blah blah." Well ok, that's not what she said, but I tuned out. There's no point in arguing with her. It's weird. Alice has always had this, I dunno, intuition? She always seems to get her way, or knows what to expect. It's really hard to surprise her. I shook my head and stood up. I picked up the remote, and flipped the channels to the news.

My jaw nearly dropped when I saw the familiar faces of my would-be attackers splayed across the screen. Apparantly they had turned themselves in. Edward chose that moment to stroll in.

"Thank god they were caught, they've been wanted for murder and rape in six other states." My face paled. I could have been unlucky victim number seven.

"Are you ok Bella?" Alice asked. I shook my head.

"They followed me after my date with Newton. Edward saved me from them." I whispered, shock slowly settling in. Alice gave me a big hug and started to mumble about how she should have been there and such. I noticed Edward slip out of the room after sending a furitive glance in my direction, confusing me.

Alice kept me busy for the rest of the afternoon, as she continued sobbing for my near death experience. Well it wasn't too near death, but she kept carrying on. I let her as my own thoughts wandered. Where exactly had Edward gone that night?

**sorry about the wait on this chapter**-** i'm still not 100% happy with the final product but it's better than it was. next update will be a long way off, i've started a new job and i have exams over the next 2 weeks plus a week long prac. Sorry folks.**


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